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Betrayed hurts so much

I believe my wife is a fearful avoidant. We were married for just over a year when I suggested we finally move in together. She got very upset, ghosted me, then filed for divorce - all within a span of three months. Though I’ve been understanding and tried to be patient, the experience has destroyed me. A marriage that has been 98% great and we treated each other very well, over without reasoning, effort, and communication. However, I now understand her fears, our love for each other and how well I treated her compared to anyone else in her life, and I’m confident to a great extent that she will return at some point when her fears subside. In other’s opinion, how often does a fearful avoidant return to a relationship and how have you navigated reconciliation?

I just want to say to you that I think you are an amazing person &therapist . You are helping me and so many others.

“I’m only in relationship with my suffering, now.” 💔. This is me.

I'm so grateful for your video helping me get through the long, lonely, starving weekend. I do mention you in my FB groups. Would you please explain why we are not going to give up our wounds?

I am the emotionally starved partner and my husband is the avoidant. I k ow it comes fro. His childhood and for years i have begged him to seek individual as well as marriage therapy but he didn't believe he needed it. I have been in therapy for many years mostly working because of my partner's inability to be emotionally and intimately connected. After 30 yrs of this, it took an emotional affair to finally get him into couple's and individual therapy. I am trying not to be checked out, but after years and years of practically begging for what i needed i don't know if i want to continue working at this to wake up 2 yrs from now in the same place. And i won't base my decision on the number of years that we have been married.

I am blown away by your videos. I appreciate your compassion toward the people who are trying to negotiate these difficult situations. I have not heard the kind of detail you offer as to how avoidant behavior shows up and why it occurs. I continue to get triggered by feeling ignored in my marriage, and then I distance myself, until I can get back on track. I also have a pattern of getting involved with "friends" who are nonstop talkers. One family member does that, too. Thank you so much for all your videos.

Does this apply to when you live in the same house but feel super distant? I tell him that we need more quality time to connect but for him watching tv together or going to dinner and not talking or coming to help me at work its enough. I understand we are together but I feel we are not really connecting... He is like "what do you mean? we are always together what else do you want from me". We can drive for hours alone in the car and not talk, it's completely silent, he doesn't make conversation, there are no deep conversations, when I talk about feelings or I want to discuss something I'm being emotional or "starting again"... We are together for s9 many year and there are no deep conversations, only when I'm on the verge of breaking up but its going back to "normal" so fast like nothing happened. He never has opinions on anything, I try to make conversation and he can't maintain a conversation with me everything is the same for him or doesn't matter to him. I feel lonely.

I’m really Not ok with being alone the rest of my life. I think I’m old enough to know that this is important to me. And I’ve done so much to change that and no one wants me back 💔

Thank you! This message is so apropros for situation right now. Very excellent presentation and helping us to see the many layers to these type of relationships.

This is great. Some of us need to go into this depth of analysis. I am struggling with powering through with willpower (6wks out from abuse). This gives another perspective. Thank you Alan.

Collecting proof and evidence? Absolutely not.

Alan, I think you’re going to save my life. I found your stuff last night and I feel like I get more here than with the therapists I’ve seen. For once I feel like I’m not being gaslit.

Hi Alan! This is probably one of the best videos I've ever seen on relationship dynamics and also, personally, what I need to work on the most. Really well-explained! I will need to watch it a couple of times more as there is a lot of content but again, super super useful! Thanks for sharing! :)

Thank you very much, Alan, for articulating my feelings and experiences with my ex bf! The dissonance, increasing sense of the surreal and that something was off and then got very, very off. It was like you saw our relationship unfolding and was describing it🙂

STOP GETTING IN RELATIONSHIPS AND DESTROYING PEOPLE

Boy, that is so on.. It's brutal like a plane plummeting to the earth while you're trying to pull up on the controller

I wish I could apply logic on my feelings. I feel deeply embarassed asking help from others, when when it's their job to help me. But even if it's not my job to help someone, even a stranger, I'll gladly help them and think nothing of it. Why do I think I'm a burden and failure when asking others for help?

This is SPOT ON

43:11 omg yes. If anyone complains that I don't reach out enough I feel like I'm being strangled

35:20 i feel attacked

This was so helpful! In the very early stages of getting to know someone and see how we have both fallen into some of these behaviors despite a deeper knowing to take it slow. We’ve named it and recognized it on some levels, and this video helps me clarify and articulate. I shared the video with them too- my hope is we can recalibrate and really explore what’s there and get to know one another in a slow, healthy & real way and avoid the unnecessary emotional and nervous system rollercoaster ride. Thanks again!

My heart hasn't known love💔but I will fuel this rage rightfully

All of which you are explaining is my husband to a T. My question for you - what do I do? What's the strategy for me? What's the solution?

How come has this appeared indicating it was uploaded 5 hours ago and has 77 views but it has 2,903 comments dating back eight years??

Everyone in the comments talking about "it's not a fear, it's envy". Envy about what?? Who on earth do you know that has a great loving relationship, the majority of relationships are terrible and I would rather be alone than be in a bad relationship. Change your perspectives, you might meet a great partner one day, but until then don't waste your time being jealous of people who are miserable behind closed doors

3s

Sympathy right between shit and syphilis. I have lots of empathy but no sympathy for false victims which is really just low self esteem from childhood trauma. Grow up please most of us have not had a perfect life. If someone didn’t show you what’s right, you’re an adult now and can make your own decisions and figure out what thoughts are not self serving. Many books and role models. Get out of your own head. Pain is a teacher only two choices sit in it or learn and grow. Life is not supposed to be a cherry and you are not entitled to anything. You can earn it, create it but it’s not due you no matter what lies anyone tells you. Self awareness is a bitch but the truth will set you free even if your not Gods perfect gift to humanity. Perfectionism is a lie

❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

I’ve been in this loop for over 3 years but instead of me bitching, its him and his dear friends bitching over me everyday for 3 years straight. If I don’t deserve his love then why dont they find someone better and leave me peace?

I am guilty of this, and I feel so bad about it.

Thank you so much

This behaviour led me to being broken up with after 2 months of dating, he said it wasn’t healthy for us to continue and I have been devastated ever since and it’s been 5 months now. I became paranoid, suspicious, on edge, reading into every word, action and facial expression and not trusting him - he kept saying ‘I’m simple and stupid, I’m not trying to trick you’ and it just wouldn’t stick and it became a self fulfilling prophecy. He was genuinely so consistent, available, affectionate and did everything right and I’m really struggling to move on as in my mind it was ‘my fault’ even though I know it wasn’t intentional and I was doing the best I could, I have a FA attachment style and can never relax and feel like I self sabotage with anyone I develop feelings for 😞

This video is beyond helpful! I watch the whole thing and I finally get why I’m the way I am

If you don’t find someone when you’re young, your clock is ticking. I’ve always been healthy and tried to be happy, but eventually your time runs out. You lose your looks and it doesn’t matter really what you make or how great of a person you are. You’re going to be alone. It sucks. I hate it most of the time. But that’s the cold hard. You have to get used to living that way.

Alan, I greatly appreciate your work, your videos and find them very informative, compassionate and helpful. I think it was in this video you were reaching out for help to market and grow your online business. I recently discovered James Wedmore and his Business by Design Training and Coaching for this very thing. I encourage you to check it out. I appreciate your honesty and vulnerability and want you to succeed!

Imagine your disadvantage in adult life when you recall being gaslit as a child

It helped i found another OBSESSEION WORST THAN ANYTHING ANYTIME FOREVER.

I think this issue is an autism trait. Thoughts?

I have never felt unlovable. I just woke up at 33. Never dated. Virgin. Failed every interview for schools and jobs. There is no feeling only the fact that I have failed in everything I have ever tried. I still think I am great and worthy and loveable. But I had to break my feelings to fit the reality that I’m not great, worthy or loved. It is time for the experiment of Nestor to end.

I had a dream about a childhood place where I spent every summer. It was a cabin where my cousins went too and took over. In the dream, there were all these people all over the place. I was alone and turned to talk to somebody and they ignored me and kept talking to someone else. I looked around trying to find somebody to connect with. I felt completely isolated. Deep down, I knew I was all alone. I went every summer and they sold it and didn't tell me. I'd been going since I was a child. I was grieving my past because I have a mentally ill sibling who they wanted no part of. People are nasty greedy mean creature sometimes. And my advice to you is that anyone who devalues you to belong to the pack, screw em. I call them retrobates because no human could ever cause so much suffering and have a soul. Look it up and see what that is. To the beautiful human beings here I feel your pain and I suggest to see them on the inside. You have a conscious, and some people, just don't,and that is just the way it is. This is in no way a shaming thing, and we all need to have a sense of belonging. We are human beings, not human doings. Don't let them mean more than they are. Your sweet energy is very valuable on this Earth. And as they say, dont cast your pearls to swine. 😊

How can someone explain a whole persons experience from childhood to adult relationship so accurately. Really comforting when feeling a bit confused by trauma triggers. Thank you Alan!

damn man... thank you so much❤

Yes, it makes perfect sense. I'm with ya Alan. Its a dynamic process over the life span of the part, b. Who it was created ...in short, That's DEEP.

My bf was very stohic and exactly like Alan describes and 8 month later I got discarded via text and blocked. I allways feelt like something was wrong with him and never could put my finger on what is going on.

I very much appreciate the depth, breadth and tone in which you deliver the message of personal transformation, growth and healing. I am engaged in a multi skill set integration process taking a stand for myself as a cycle breaker becoming a safe space with mature boundaries and containment skill practicing being in the gap and the gain… learning to respect, adore and protect my inner child as well as integrating feelings that come up in the context of IFS, parts, female embodied polarity and somatic healing. I am so grateful for your influence and astute observations that also contribute to my conscious awakening.

Thank you Alan I’ve been listening to lots of your videos over the past 2 years I learn that we keep ourselves in pain by choice with our partners…..

“…whether you’re ready to commit to a group of people who actually enjoy talking about shit like this.” 🤣 Booyah!

Bring it oon!! 😂 Thank you, I laughed so much, alone 😂, to all the self-help bs called out. Hahahaaa...

To all you armchair psychologists in the comments, some of us do not know how to regulate our talking for 101 reasons, a lot of them based in trauma, but they are not all about being self absorbed or narcissistic. Some of us have anxiety through the roof and were taught by a non stop talking parent how to talk to self sooth. So if you want to take responsibility for yourself you need to speak up, not nastily or in a judgemental way, but just to get you obvious need to be heard as well met by a talker. We NEED you to speak up and interrupt often as we do not know when to stop and it is so comforting it takes on a life of it's own. So please stop commiserating with the other quiet people and start speaking up, otherwise how will we KNOW you are secretly hating it if you smile and nod and stay on the phone for hours like a trained seal for eff's sake ? WE do not like or trust someone who thinks secret thoughts about us and does not just speak up !!!!!